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Am I Co-Dependent? — Recognizing the Signs and Symptoms By Sunil Thomas LMHC
In session one day Jennifer stated that she felt she could never break up from her boyfriend of seven years. She was very unhappy in this relationship since they argued frequently and did not feel heard, listened to, affirmed, or taken seriously. Jennifer concluded she could not live with her boyfriend, but she could not live without him either.
Another client named Mary was struggling in her relationship with her adult children. Mary was a single parent at one time raising four children on her own. She never wanted to be overly strict and imposing like her “dictator” mom. So, she did her best to give them whatever they wanted. However, she went too far at the other extreme of giving in to them to make them happy. Fast forward twenty years later. Mary’s relationship with three of her children is currently distant and conflictual. Somewhere along the line Mary learned too late to stop enabling and set limits with her family. Not matter what she did for them, it was never enough. It is interesting to note that only one of her children is grateful for everything she did for him. Her other children are angry with Mary because she does not give in anymore.
It breaks Mary’s heart because she does not know why they see her as a “bad mother”.
Rachel came from a family of addicts and alcoholics. She grew up learning to put other family member’s needs before her own. Rachel’s care-taking behaviors carried over to her adult life where she got involved in unhealthy, dysfunctional relationships. This was familiar to Rachel since she grew up in a dysfunctional family where her needs were not adequately met. She would overextend herself to meet her partners’ needs and tried to “fix” them. Only later in her recovery did it dawn on her she was trying to save someone else’s life at the expense of her own.
These people come from different walks of life. However, in all three cases the patterns are almost identical. Putting other’s needs before their own and not taking optimal care of themselves. These behavioral patterns can be summed up in one word: Codependency.
The term codependency originally referred to families who struggled with addiction but has since expanded to other forms of dysfunctional relationships.
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Some of the signs and symptoms of codependency are as follows:
· Caretaking—
o Feel compelled to take care of other’s needs
o Feel compelled to help someone solve the problem by offering unwanted advice or fixing feelings
o Feel angry when their help is not effective
o Wonder why others do not do the same for them
o Feel insecure and guilty when somebody gives to them
o Find themselves attracted to needy people
· Low Self-Worth—
o Blame themselves for everything
o Reject compliments or praise
o Think they are not quite good enough
o Feel ashamed of who they are
o Trying to prove they are good enough for other people
· Repression—
o Push their thoughts and feelings out of their awareness because of fear and guilt
o Low emotional expressivity
o Fear of allowing themselves to be who they are
Obsession—
o Fixating on mistakes
o Never find answers
o Check on people
o Focus all their energy on other people and problems
o Wonder why they never have any energy
· Weak Boundaries—
o Having poor boundaries
o Have a hard time saying no
o Allow others to hurt them
· Controlling—
o Need for control, especially over others
o Feel controlled by events and people
o Do not see or deal with their fear of loss of control
o Try to control events and people through helplessness, guilt, coercion, threats, advice-giving, manipulation, and domination
· Denial—
o Ignore problems and pretend they are not happening
o Tell themselves that things will be better tomorrow
o Pretend circumstances are not so bad
o Stay busy so they do not have to think about important matters
· Dependency—
o Look for happiness outside of themselves
o Did not feel love and approval from their parents
o Often seek love from people incapable of loving
o Equate love with pain
o Feel they need people more than they want them
o Look to relationships to provide all their good feelings
o Stay in relationships that do not work
o Tolerate abuse to keep people loving them
o Feel trapped in relationships
· Poor Communication–
o Have trouble communicating honestly
o Blame
o Threaten
o Coerce
o Beg
o Bribe
o Do not say what they mean
o Think most of what they have to say is unimportant
· Weak Boundaries—
o Having poor boundaries
o Have a hard time saying no
o Allow others to hurt them
· Lack of Trust—
o Do not trust themselves
o Do not trust their feelings
o Do not trust their decisions
o Do not trust other people
· Anger—
o Are afraid of their own anger
o Afraid to make other people angry
o Have been shamed for feeling angry
o Feel safer with their anger than hurt feelings
o Feel guilt and shame for feeling angry
· Miscellaneous—
o An individual seeing themselves as a secondary character rather than a main character if they were writing their own story
o Find it difficult to be close to people
Just because someone indicates some of these symptoms does not necessarily make them codependent. There are some assessments out there that can help you assess to what degree an individual has codependent tendencies.
Friel Co-Dependency Assessment Inventory from Mental Health America of Northern Kentucky and Southwest Ohio (1985)
Codependency Test from Hamrah
Codependency is not a mental illness. It is a behavior that is unhealthy and maladaptive. Everyone has displayed one or more of these behaviors in their lifetime. It only becomes problematic when these behavioral patterns are many and long-standing. The challenge for the individual who struggles with codependency is to develop a healthy relationship with their self.
Only then can they learn to have healthy relationships with others.